Weirdo

I am a guy.
Guys were stereotyped by Tikkoss to be ham sap.

Definition of ham sap.

To be sexually aroused by the sigh of the opposite sex which results in flirting and  cheesy pick up lines.

 Or we can simplify it.

Ham Sap = Tikkoss

P.s Not all guys are Ham Sap, I am not though. I am pure.

Definition of Pure.

To be free of impurities, of any foreign materials which is not considered normal in a system.

Or we can simplify it.

Pure ≠ Tikkoss

Pure = Me

P.s All guys were born pure though most were corrupted by Tikkoss.

Quoted from Tikkoss.

" I represent mankind...."

 Alright I've joked enough about Tikkoss.
No hard feelings right? It's free publicity.

Now, Vince and Xing.

This two seriously got on my nerves on Monday. Both had tickets for the Social Network and were having dinner in Mid Valley when they thought of hitting on my nerves.

Vince

Hey, Steve, come to Mid Valley and join us for dinner? Xing wants you here. She will drive you home. =D

Xing

Yeah, I will drive you home, where do you stay?

Vince

After we have our dinner? We go for movie; no ticket for you. You go play pool. =D

And for your information, they called me at 1930 and it would take me half an hour to get there. After that, dinner for half an hour. After dinner, they will go for movie.

They expected me to travel there for half an hour to accompany them for half an hour? =.=

Anyway, I laughed it off.

Back to the main topic.

I Cook.

Most guys and girls would probably stare with their jaws hanging. What?

Steven cooks? Wait he can cook?  @.@

I like to cook, can cook and loves to cook.
But I am worried, people might think I am weird for having such a strange passion.

My sister, a girl, ironically hates cooking.

I've been cooking since I was standard 4. It was a cook or starve situation. So, cooking was necessary for survival (melodramatic =D)

My passion for cooking grew when I saw dad cooked and I aimed to be a better cook than him. Over time, I did and my whole family wanted me to cook for them.

But I am a choosy cook, I like to cook things I have interest only.

Spaghetti, pancakes, and dishes for dinner.

I also love to bake.

I am weird, aren't I (as a guy who likes to cook?)

P.s About Tikkoss, those were the past, according to him. =D
Signing off.

You are my new dream ♥♥♥

My Past

I've been through lots of pain. Cried to myself in my room with the lights out. Cried myself to sleep.

I've been cheated, hurt by others, and many more.
Until today, all of them are bearable.

I have a dream but for my family's sake, I decided to give it up. I have an awesome believe but I can't express it to them; instead I hide it in my heart. I crushed my own passion for my parents interests.

I did almost everything they wanted in my 18 years of existence as a human being. Even during my birthdays, I rejected gifts. I hated my birthdays because of painful memories as I argued with my parents on my birthday.

My request was to go for a sleep over but denied in my face. I didn't ask for a Lamborghini or an i Phone or a DSLR. Nevertheless, it did taught me a valuable lesson, I have to obey their demands; why? It's for my own good.

Today, I went for breakfast with them, when we were eating, I felt like I was having breakfast with total strangers. I was feeling cold inside.

Do you know, every time my parents argued, my heart felt like it's crushed. When I was younger, I used to cry in my room every time they fought. I kept blaming myself even though I kinda knew it wasn't my fault until one day, mom fought with dad and when she saw me, she said it was my fault.

Instantly I was thrown into a whole new level of depression.
There are days when I had a rough day, and I return home to have them both arguing. I would walk myself to my room and reminisce about my past when it was better.

If you asked me to reminisce about a sweet memory between my family and I, I seriously can't remember anything.

When I was 4, I knew dad was home by hearing him only. I seldom get to see dad, or all I could see was his car leaving the house. When I went to school, I would hear about my friends' fun time with their parents.

All I had was my Indonesian maid who took care of me. She loved me like a son. Mom often said she was buying my heart and that she was faking her love to protect her job.

I was perplexed. She protected me, used her own money to treat me, and did everything she could for me. Things weren't that bad when she was around, I had someone I could talk to, interact with. Since mom's usually busy marking books or writing her reports.

My sister treated me like a nobody. She never liked me back then, and was sort of ashamed of my existence. When I was younger, I was proud of my sister. She was a prefect and the only one who was offered the position of head prefect, but she rejected it.

I dreamed that one day I would be just like her. However, I was flabbergasted as a child when she denied my existence in front of her friends.

I greeted her and proudly introduced her as my sister to my friends but she did one thing, which broke my heart. She promptly told her friends, I don't know this boy.

I remember getting scolded by mom frequently because of her. Mom asked both of us to do chores but she was lazy, and I cried for her help because the laundry was heavy but she will not help me (after our maid left).

After that, I vowed never to ask for her help ever again.

My family ties with other relatives got separated (paternal side) and it hurts to know about it. Sometimes, when visiting relatives, they would ask why didn't we join my uncle's family? Dad would said he didn't know about them coming down to visit and I would be sad.

I missed both my paternal aunts; now ignoring my family.

My maternal side, I really loved my younger uncles. The rest, it's not that I want to hate them. I do love them. However, they frequently looked down upon my family's financial status and often bragged as they offered to buy me stuff. I would politely smile and decline.

My maternal aunt, now got into a fight with my maternal grandparents and now, they are avoiding each other. During moon cake festival, they stayed at home although all the families returned for the gathering.

I missed those days when all the families gathered for Chinese New Year or Moon Cake Festival. However, now, it looked like a distant past; growing hazier and blur in my mind as I am starting to forget about those good old days.

My paternal grandparents. Never met my grandmom but I am sure I would love to see her if I could, even if it was for one day. My granddad was the most awesome person I've ever met.
The floats he made each time I visited him was awesome and I could never forget it.

But I was immature, I didn't treasure him. I didn't speak to him much. I only wanted his floats and money (he was a very generous and loved me with all his heart).

There are times, I wished God would take me away and let me meet up with my grandparents.
Perhaps after death, would I be able to find peace in my heart.


Nothing could change my past. But given the chance, I want to live those moments once more. To know what it feels to be alive and loved.

Au revoir.

Dilemma

Today, I wasn't feeling any better from usual. I was still depressed. In my mind, I was haunted by my past, troubled by my current problems and worrying about my future.

The only thing that I could seek comfort from was from my novel as it won't hurt me nor lie to me. However, it's not the same as a trustworthy person.

Alexandra  was there to comfort me, well sort of. She offered me help and I refused initially. I mean, I am so not worth her time and effort. However, she insisted and I finally relented.

I went to college like usual (I thought I could) but I felt numb seeing my friends. I thought I could disclose my problems to them but I am in doubt now.

I realized people who listened to my problems often get hurt or break up from gangs and I can't bear to see my gang break up. I faked a smile and pretended to be cheerful.

After lunch, I went to MBS and she should have seen the look on her face. Alexandra was like OMGosh.

We chat together and somehow I felt that she might have this impression on me.

She said she loved it when I smiled but to fake a smile in front of her was something that I couldn't do. I can't cheat her by simply smiling. When one smiles, it comes from within.

Like this.

A smile should come from within.

After she left the LRT, I was contemplating with myself. Which personality should I choose and stick with it.

I felt both sides of me contemplating to see which one of them would be dominant.

I felt the Emo side of me battling with the cheerful side of me.

My mind was in turmoil, my sanity was on the line. I couldn't decide.
In the end, it was chosen and I couldn't do anything else but to live with it.

I just couldn't bear to let my cheerful but annoying self going round anymore. He only brought trouble to everyone around him and I've decided to lock him deep within me.

And decided to free the Emo me.

Now, he is free to roam in my life.

At least, the Emo me won't annoy people but behaves himself. The Emo me studies and won't be distracted easily. He is the perfect candidate to face the examination because with Emo comes along Insomnia.

It would be perfect for me.

I know I told you that I would change for the better, well at least try. But I did warn you, that I might (most probably) fail.

I am sorry, Alex.

Life is just so painful. I tried hard to hold everything in me and not lose my temper or dissatisfaction. But no matter how hard I try; I still failed.

It felt like a stab to my heart.

It's just too much to bear.
Sometimes, if you look hard enough, you can see a tear streaming down my face. Normally I would notice but these days, I won't notice until I snap out of my daze.

Life is tormenting.  To those whom I trusted wrongly, Congratulations.

But it doesn't matter. Why? Because...

No one would bother about some nobody like me.

I am nobody with one purpose, to bring joy to others and only others at the cost of my own.

Au revoir~~

The Absence of Joy

The sorrow of a thousand men
I'd bear them all with ease.

But the thought of losing you.
Shatters my heart with ease.

I've been through so much but nothing can be compared to this pain that I am experiencing now.

Why do my tears shed for you?

Teddies don't hug back the way you do. But at least they do not hurt me like you did.

 But I never blamed you, because it's all my fault. I chose this path and there's no turning back.

I hope to end everything with my disappearance from our life. It's the second time but the first scar hasn't healed properly and then came the second.

I haven't been able to sleep for days. The pain is killing me. Every minute of my life is about you.

Insomnia has returned and I don't know how long will I be able to withstand it.

My heart ached from the thought of losing you.

But that will never happen, right?
I am nothing compared to you.

I don't see any point in living anymore without you in my life.
The pain is unbearable.

I often said that you helped me and now it's my turn to help you. However, now I realized I need you more than ever in my life.

I remembered every single thing you said as best as I could.
They are all carved onto my heart.

But let me stress again, it's not HER fault.

I chose this path.

I need you in my life.

I don't like you.

I love you.

I don't want you

I need you.

I won't cry for you.

I'd die for you.

Signing off

Desolation

I thought this would be it.
I thought this was the answer.
I thought that I could soar.

But.

I was wrong.
I was never there.
I realized that I was never meant to fly.


Analogy
I am but a mere human trying to fly, but in the end, I plunged to my death just like Icarus who flew too close to the Sun.

Mere mortals were never meant to fly.

Tell me, why is life so painful?
Maybe I should put life aside and wander watch it drift pass quickly?

I went out today.
I am sure everyone thought I was fine. Perhaps for a brief moment there, I too was convinced that I could be fine.





Perhaps only by death, will I find peace.

I am seriously exhausted.
I can't bear to continue this journey anymore.



I am sorry.
I just couldn't help it.

Goodbyes are painful but I haven't got any other options left.
I am bounded to isolation in a dark chamber.

I can never leave this place without bringing pain to people around me.

I am what I am and that's being Emo.

Live with it or be drowned in It.

P.s My heart belonged to you, if you don't mind it being shattered to bits.

Perhaps The Last.

I have been on hiatus for ages already. It's been forever since I last blogged or hanged out at Innit. I feel happy being able to blog but this joy will only last for today only and perhaps next year, if I have not given up blogging will I be able to experience the same joy again.

After today, I will feel sad because I won't be able to do my favorite thing anymore which is to blog and chat with Innit buddies. However, I have learned something very valuable from the past few days, which is to rejoice in the suffering that I have to face and trust that one person who will love me and take care of me and that person is none other then God, himself.

I realized that Dota had hooked me away from God when I was an addict and after confessing my sins, God gave me strength to break free from my addiction. Now, it's been months since I last touched Dota and I seriously rejoiced in the Lord for saving me.

Now, there's one more thing I must give up, or at least reduce it from addiction to hobby to prevent myself from drifting further from the Lord.

However, all these is insignificant stuff. True joy does not come from materialistic possession but from the peace of heart. All I ever wanted was to be able to proudly declare myself as a Christian, nevertheless I haven't got the courage nor the wisdom to disclose my secret to my parents.

Let me briefly share my feelings here, I have envy and jealousy towards others, which is a sin. However, I do not envy them for materialistic possession but for their family who accepted Christ as their savior.

I remembered attending Church alone every Sunday. All I wanted was being able to attend Church with my family members. Besides that, my friend's family were always there with them when during celebrations but I have not been able to do so.

Please forgive me for my jealousy and ranting but it's so painful leading a secret life, forsaking God by denying him while dishonoring my parents by cheating them. Do you know how it feels knowing that you are safe yourself but your parents aren't.

I seek refuge in the Lord but my parents don't. Now, I am terribly worried about their future.

One thing for sure, God is Good and one day their hearts will be soften and they will turn to the Lord to seek refuge.

I will end this with a lovely song.