When I look back now, I realized that my life was a lie. I could cheat the world but I could never cheat myself no matter how hard I try. I was a selfish and conceited person back in primary school and I'd soon realized that by being so I will never make friends. However, instead of controlling it, I resorted to denial and changed tremendously. I decided never to make any decision and leave it all to others as I try to be as flexible as possible. Yes, probably I did gain more friends, but it also meant that I became someone else. I was anti social and isolated myself from the world.
Fortunately, I met several people who took turns to change my life. However, by the time they read this post, they would have realized that I was no where different from the beginning. Now, my minds all messed up and my emotions are all out of control. Back then, I was a pessimist, filled with negativity about myself; but now Rage is all I felt for the world and people around me. I can't seem to be able to control my temper or anger anymore; nowadays, I would lose my temper at my loved ones without realizing it and when I walked away, my heart aches and I really felt helpless. People might think that I am writting this to gain attention or sort, but I beg to differ; I am writting this as a reminder to myself that I do have this issue.
It's due to this anger; that I've decided to isolate myself even further compared to my pessimistic days.
If only I could wipe those feelings like a tear.
Well, if only...
But there's no If's....
I really miss talking to her but I should move on and close this chapter of my life.
Living life with no regrets is not as simple as it sounds. Ignorance might not be blissful forever; just temporarily.