I often reminisce about the past in my room. There are times I feel so depressed that I will cry myself to sleep. Because, tomorrow will be a better day; that's what I kept telling myself.
But, it never is. I lied to a many people; to my family, to my friends, to Inniters to Nuffnangers and many more people. Even close friends like Vince, Joe Yee and Victor Lee also do not know my life entirely when I told them that they knew everything about my life.
I wish I have amnesia. Perhaps I do. I remember chatting with Yuh Jiun and she told me her name. But today, less than one day, I actually forgot the name and it took me a while to remember her name. I was angry at myself for forgetting her name so easily like that. What kind of people would forget a friend's name? I felt horrible and worried. How on Earth did I forget? It was after a while that it came back to me.
I tried recalling some happy moments in college but all I can recall were the times I cried alone to myself. I don't recall anything meaningful from my college anymore.
Men should not cry because it is wrong.
Now I want to share a bit of my secretive life.
I remember when I was younger, my parents scolded me and when I cried they slapped me and yelled at me boys should not cry no matter what.
Hence, I did not shed a tear even when my grandfather passed away when I was 7 years old. But a couple of months back, 4 people in my life passed away just like that and I was shattered.
It was 2 weeks ago, one of my best friend passed away. He knew I felt awkward amongst the seniors and took the effort to keep me comfortable.
I regretted not doing the same for him.
Once, he came back to visit, but I didn't bother to greet him. I just walked away, taking things for granted. Never in my wildest dream that it would be the last time I would be able to see him.
My paternal step grandmother used to stay with me. And we were really close. We would watch television together at night and she would explain some of the Chinese Literature if I do no understand them.
But, I took her for granted and never cherished her. She moved out a few years back and I acted as though nothing happened even though I'd actually missed her.
Mom and dad argued frequently recently and I feel saddened to see them like that. I know I am a burden to them and am the cause of their fight.
I wish I could do something but they kept shrugging their shoulders saying it's nothing.
I cried each time mom and dad argued. There was once, mom and dad fought in the car. Dad was so depressed that he cried, my heart grew bitter seeing them like that.
People kept saying I am a cheerful person but deep down I am not. I do not wish to be labeled as an attention seeker.
I feel stressed. I am not telling any problems I face to my family.
My scholarship got revoked by the college but I was afraid to tell my parents. So, I studied hard to attain it back and Thank God I got it back.
But, I really want to tell them everything. All my problems and all my success. I actually decided to share it with my mom but before I can open my mouth, mom said she was tired and felt stressed out taking care of us.
My heart bled and I decided to help out mom by mopping the floor and helping her in any way I can. I don't mind sacrificing my sleep time for her to help out with chores.
If I could have one wish, then I'd wished I was never born in the first place. Perhaps this way, my family will be less burdened. My parents often said my sister is useless but deep down I know they are proud of her.
She graduated as a lawyer while I am still stuck doing A levels. She's sure to have a carrier while judging at my own performance, I do not think I will do well.
Mom asked me what Birthday gift I want. Well, I told her I don't want anything just like last year. I know it's not good asking for presents no matter how badly I wanted one. I don't want to waste their money anymore.
I feel stressed. I kept thinking about failing and it's keeping me up til dawn. I really want to cry but I can't.
I know I lied to some people saying I am better already but I don't want you to worry about my life anymore.
Though I can't be happy, it doesn't mean you shouldn't get to be happy.
I am tired of keeping secrets. It hurts keeping a secret from families, friends and people you care for.