Secrets

I told myself I will no longer be depressed over trivial matters. I wanted to stand up and show the world that I am willing to be independent. It was at that point that I decided to keep my life a secret from my parents.


I often reminisce about the past in my room. There are times I feel so depressed that I will cry myself to sleep. Because, tomorrow will be a better day; that's what I kept telling myself.

But, it never is. I lied to a many people; to my family, to my friends, to Inniters to Nuffnangers and many more people. Even close friends like Vince, Joe Yee and Victor Lee also do not know my life entirely when I told them that they knew everything about my life.


I wish I have amnesia. Perhaps I do. I remember chatting with Yuh Jiun and she told me her name. But today, less than one day, I actually forgot the name and it took me a while to remember her name. I was angry at myself for forgetting her name so easily like that. What kind of people would forget a friend's name? I felt horrible and worried. How on Earth did I forget? It was after a while that it came back to me.

I tried recalling some happy moments in college but all I can recall were the times I cried alone to myself. I don't recall anything meaningful from my college anymore.

Men should not cry because it is wrong.
Now I want to share a bit of my secretive life.
I remember when I was younger, my parents scolded me and when I cried they slapped me and yelled at me boys should not cry no matter what.

Hence, I did not shed a tear even when my grandfather passed away when I was 7 years old. But a couple of months back, 4 people in my life passed away just like that and I was shattered.

It was 2 weeks ago, one of my best friend passed away. He knew I felt awkward amongst the seniors and took the effort to keep me comfortable.
I regretted not doing the same for him.

Once, he came back to visit, but I didn't bother to greet him. I just walked away, taking things for granted. Never in my wildest dream that it would be the last time I would be able to see him.

My paternal step grandmother used to stay with me. And we were really close. We would watch television together at night and she would explain some of the Chinese Literature if I do no understand them.

But, I took her for granted and never cherished her. She moved out a few years back and I acted as though nothing happened even though I'd actually missed her.

Mom and dad argued frequently recently and I feel saddened to see them like that. I know I am a burden to them and am the cause of their fight.
I wish I could do something but they kept shrugging their shoulders saying it's nothing.

I cried each time mom and dad argued. There was once, mom and dad fought in the car. Dad was so depressed that he cried, my heart grew bitter seeing them like that.
People kept saying I am a cheerful person but deep down I am not. I do not wish to be labeled as an attention seeker.

I feel stressed. I am not telling any problems I face to my family.
My scholarship got revoked by the college but I was afraid to tell my parents. So, I studied hard to attain it back and Thank God I got it back.

But, I really want to tell them everything. All my problems and all my success. I actually decided to share it with my mom but before I can open my mouth, mom said she was tired and felt stressed out taking care of us.

My heart bled and I decided to help out mom by mopping the floor and helping her in any way I can. I don't mind sacrificing my sleep time for her to help out with chores.

If I could have one wish, then I'd wished I was never born in the first place. Perhaps this way, my family will be less burdened. My parents often said my sister is useless but deep down I know they are proud of her.

She graduated as a lawyer while I am still stuck doing A levels. She's sure to have a carrier while judging at my own performance, I do not think I will do well.

Mom asked me what Birthday gift I want. Well, I told her I don't want anything just like last year. I know it's not good asking for presents no matter how badly I wanted one. I don't want to waste their money anymore.

I feel stressed. I kept thinking about failing and it's keeping me up til dawn. I really want to cry but I can't.

I know I lied to some people saying I am better already but I don't want you to worry about my life anymore.

Though I can't be happy, it doesn't mean you shouldn't get to be happy.

I am tired of keeping secrets. It hurts keeping a secret from families, friends and people you care for.



signing Off

E... M.. O...

I am a Banana.


Ok, not really a banana literally.
I look like a Chinese, dress like one and think like one but I cannot speak like one.
Yes, I cannot speak fluent Mandarin nor write nor read.
Pathetic right.

But this song caught my attention


Even if I cannot speak mandarin, I actually decided to learn up this song.
I want to sing it to someone special to me, telling her this is my first chinese song that I learned how to sing on my own.

Well, enough about that.


People once used to ask,"How do you spell Emo?"

Reply was," S...T... E... V... E.. N..."

I know, it spells Steven but I was so depress that they thought of replacing the word emo if my name.

A: Why are you so Stevenemo today?
B: My brother was hospitalized.

~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ crickets sound

followed by AWKWARD silence



I mean you people might think, why on Earth is this guy so Steven?
Well, he is so Steven because... he is Steven.

Lame~~
But it's true, Steven is a depressed soul.



See, he is sleeping depressed.
FML

Signing Off
And I don't enjoy someone playing with my secrets.


I sort of felt like this you know.
You holding playing with my life like that.
What if it snaps?
Whether intentionally or not, there's only one ending.

I will die.

It's My Life

There are a variety of people in this world, each with different background, religion, race, ethnic and lifestyle.


Chinese



Africans



Americans

and many more in this world.

But who on earth are you, who died to make you boss, who gave you the freaking right to decide what is right and what is wrong.


Yes, screw you people who think they have a right to decide what others believe in.
You're no different from Hitler who cannot accept the fact that the Jews are smarter than the rest of the world.


The Jews were smartest race according to Hitler; hence the gruesome killing which is wrong. But in Hitler's point of view he was doing the world a favor because he believed that the Jews would one day take over the world.

But you...
You are below Hitler for sure.


You want to know why?
Hitler believed he was saving the world though it may be wrong.

But what are you saving the world from? People chose to wear contact lens because it is more convenient.

Yes, I too wear contact lens and if you got a problem then tell it to my face.
Why would I choose to wear contact lens? Well if you do not know and asked; I would have explained why nicely. But you actually hate people who wear contact lens for no appropriate reason. So, screw you and take note, I am active in Basket Ball and I have broke my spectacles 5 times and I got injured when the glasses broke and slashed my face near my eyes.

Shit. I was traumatized alright. Hence, I'd changed to contact lens because it is much safer.

Lets just say, I chose to wear lens because I want to look better. So, is it your freaking problem? Did I take my spectacles and taunt you then shove it up your arse? No I don't think so.

So what is your problem? Image is important these days. If you want to look like this then be my freaking guest.


While we choose to look like these instead


I am not suggesting that spectacles are ugly but some people just don't like to wear spectacles. So, can we blame them?

If contact lens were illegal they won't be sold everywhere in Malaysia in most of the optic shops.

They would be brought in like this instead.


*replace drugs with lens instead.


So let me repeat myself, my friends and I who wear contact lens are not bothering you and honestly, we do not mind if you're going to boycott our blog for we do not need scums like you. Don't like, don't see then.

We NEVER force you to read. Did we do this to you?


I doubt any of us will do that to a scum like you to force you to read our blog, instead we might do it to force you away from our life.

We got our own life and we have one last thing to say to haters


Signing off.

Light Up Their Lifes

I am a rich guy and so are you people. Normally people claim that they are poor and that they could not afford latest gadgets like a DSLR, i phone 4G or PS 3.

But did you people know you are richer than 70% of the people in the world assuming you get RM350 a month.


Bet you all didn't thought if it this way. While we whine about not having the latest gadgets, those 70% actually whine for food, clean water, a roof over their head or at least proper education for their children.


Look, this is what most poverty struck children look like.
Well, we have a choice whether we want to ask for the luxurious gadgets but those people can't even ask for basic necessity like food. And you people have the nerves to complain that your parents are stingy and mistreat you.


Most of us tends to be like that when our parents reject our wish list for luxurious items. I know I did when my parents rejected my request.
All I'd asked for was a

Lamborghini Diablo

I was upset at first when my parents rejected my request but after the camp I realized that I should be grateful for getting education, food, clean water, a roof over my head and more importantly their love.

F.A.M.I.L.Y.

Father and Mother I Love You

Hence, I would not ask them to buy me the beautiful sports car, not until I get my driving license first.

I had fun in the camp which is situated in my secondary school.
Methodist Boys Secondary School Kuala Lumpur.

I had dim sum for breakfast before we started the fasting.
It was good but I sort of dislike the food because it wasn't up to my standards.

But today, when the fasting was declared over.


I had this, in corn flavor which tasted bad normally, but at that point I was crying tears of joy being able to chew something solid after 30 hours of not touching solid food.

Well, I am partially to be blamed since I ran around during the Treasure Hunt, played basketball and played football as well. I bet you people would react this way.


You people would probably say what the heck is Steven thinking? Being so active when he hast to fast. It's suicidal.

But it's kinda funny.
I wasn't hungry, well at least I wasn't til food was shown to me this morning.

But I had lots of Soya Bean and Chocolate Milk (which was allowed). We refrained from eating that's all.

We then took an LRT to Stadium Putra Bukit Jalil.
The event was awesome.

Among the famous people were

梁静茹

Besides her
He was there

王光良

and him

張智成

And we have him too

易桀齐

and my favorite singer of all

罗忆诗

where she had a duet with

Fransisca Peter

They sang my current favorite song.

明天孩有希望

It is a touching song, a must hear.

小小的眼光
失去了光芒
即使小小的手掌也有权飞翔

大大的梦想
失去了力量
哪儿有大大的肩膀温暖他心房

明天孩子们会有希望
会长出耀眼的翅膀
朝着那温暖的风和光 清清的飞扬

the world we live in
can do with giving
a child today
is a child of our tomorrow

I've seen the children
who have been broken
by wars and hunger and natural disaster
so broken

when tomorrow comes
we must have hope
we must reach out to every single child

when tomorrow comes
we spread our love
and make it a better day

生活会有悲和喜
we've gotta pray and do our best
只要伸出我们的手
to bring you a better tomorrow

明天孩子们会有希望
会长出耀眼的翅膀
when tomorrow comes
we spread our love
and make it a better day (Repeat once)

I had lot of fun with my friends.
I would love to take this opportunity to thank my friend Alexandra and her friend Ruenn Das (Haagen Dazs Ambassador) for making my weekends a blast.

I feel sad going back to college as I won't see them for some time again.
I will never regret starving myself for 30 hours as it was worthwhile.

Pictures will be updated as soon as possible when i get them from my friends.
Signing off and let's make a difference by lighting their lives.

If you miss this year, remember to join next year.

Referee

I was given the responsibility to be the Referee.
I felt imbued with power when I read a line from the guide,

The Referee's call is Ultimatum.

It made me felt something like this.


I was actually over excited to be given this opportunity until...
Well, the first game was up and I was brimming with pride.


But I left the field like this...


The spectators and other teams' expression was like this as I walked away to start the next game.


I ended the game announcing Team A defeating Team B. But a few of Team B members came up and complained to me that Team A cheated, and the honest Team A guy who cheated actually admitted his fault. So, I did the unthinkable, I disallowed the goal and made it into a tie instead.


The losing team hated me while the winning team sort of idolized me for my decision.

Team A argued that in World Cup, Henry got away with it because the Referee didn't catch him and I didn't see it, it's just that the guy admitted his mistake.


Why can he get away with it and they can't?
Thus I apologized.

And to make matters worse, I made many controversial decisions.


People were shocked over my crazy decisions
But thank God most players were honest and didn't take advantage of my blur condition.

It was humiliating.


I walked away feeling shameful instead of being proud of my task.

Signing off
Hopefully next week I can do a better job and walk off brimming with pride.

Of Life and I

I am in love with a girl.
She is kind, sweet, good nature hot,sexy, modest, helpful and with and additional thing, she's gorgeous and is the most beautiful person in my life.

But the funny thing is, we never seemed to have noticed each other during the beginning of our semester even though she's just 10 miles a few feet away. As in we never spoke at all.

We were both emo people, who lead a life of solitude but different in a way. She may be emo but she wants to stand up in life but me, I chose to lag behind in isolation.

But things sort of changed when we studied together. At first we studied together and I the first thing that came into my mind was I must be dying for God sent an Angel to pick me up she's in my class?

We continued studying together and soon I was asking her whether she was going to study in college or not the next day and this lasted for a while. But beautiful things do not last forever, just like roses, so beautiful yet they wilt quickly.

On the final day of examination, I had a nervous breakdown. I could not focus all of a sudden. I thought perhaps a little basket ball could cheer me up, but nevertheless i was wrong.

Just when I felt totally trashed, she emerged, and we talked. I told her my story and she listened. Then, she told me hers. And I realized she did not had a good time as well. But by then, I was better and with her help and God's grace, I was able to pull it off.

Later on, I actually took courage to invite her out for a drink. I was anxious and restless until she actually agreed. I was over the moon. But Life is Cruel. Somehow, we just couldn't meet up and I was feeling down.

Nevertheless, I got over it but with a scarred heart. The next time, I missed out on a movie and was kinda sad too. It's alright I thought to myself, it's my fault anyways.

Then, college reopened and one day, I wanted to tell her how I felt but she'd found out already. She said furiously, die you insect. You're pathetic she'd knew about it and said it was impossible. I tried hard to forget it but inevitably i Failed.

And I cried in my room alone as I lead an emo life. Then, she was emo again and I was worried that it was my fault. So I tried talking to her but she just shrugged her shoulders and walked off.

I was worried to the core and felt helpless until one day, things sort of changed and we were talking again. I remembered she said "No one can help you unless you choose to help yourself". "You kept wrapping yourself up and not letting people help you".You are patheticPromise me that you will try to stand up. And lastly "Life tends to be cruel and it depends on how we choose to face it"

I was depressed and wanted to leave MCKL for good. Au Revoir MCKL.
Yesterday I was ill until now but I got better.

I was blog hopping and realized something from a fellow blogger Munn

I'd pretend that I don't care but it makes me miss you more.

So, I am not going to run away anymore nor let go.
I will realized though you may be the cause of me being sad, you also brought me sweet memories.

You make me smile like the sun
Fall out of bed
Sing like a bird
Dizzy in my head
Spin like a record
Crazy on a Sunday night
You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold
Buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Ohh you make me smile

You said you wanted to stand up and needed my help. Well, let me tell you, I will hold your hand but even after you'd stand up, I will still hold your hand. Give me time and a chance, that's all I am asking.

Signing off.
Well this means, I am staying in MCKL.
I will go through it with you.
You mean the world to me.

Fighting Umbrella Corporation

I love movies and I especially love cinemas. The sound system is perfect for thriller movies like Resident Evil, A-Teams and The Expendables.

But before I begin, let me express my gratitude to Nuffnang for giving me the opportunity to catch a blockbuster movie, The Expendables.


Alright, lets get back to the main topic me getting red carpet invite to be the adviser of Nuffnang about Resident Evil Afterlife in 3D.

Alice is imbued with heightened speed, strength, agility and even have telekinesis.
At this rate, she can beat superman with her telekinesis, I think. If Alice fought against Superman, I would vote for Alice cause she's hot she's the main character for Resident Evil Afterlife, not Superman.

How to take down Umbrella Corps as Alice.
Ok.
Step 1
Become merciless where anyone who opposes me will die.
To do that, I must get rid of all emotions


Dig out your heart and become a heartless killing machine.

Step 2
Blog. That's right. Don't Underestimate the power of blogging.


It gathers people together.
United we can overcome anything.
Ps. Picture in courtesy of my friend, Lynn Sia (this picture only)

Step 3
Make another strain of Virus, S virus that counters T virus or any other viruses?
Where you'd fight fire with fire.

Step 4
Seduction.
Seduce Umbrella Corps Top guy and make him give up his ways.

Step 4.5
Betrayal.
Back stab him upon disagreement and detonate the base upon leaving.

Step 5
Level their base with Nuke.
However, this ends the movie in minutes.
Hence, not advisable.
Perhaps a cinematic cliff hanger would be a suspense moment where I am fighting and suddenly a Nuke comes in and the end.

I do really so badly want to watch Resident Evil in 3D.
Signing off.

May God Bless All of Us.

Thoughts

I stood there gazing upon the field as I isolate myself from the public around me. Somehow I felt uncomfortable with the public being too lively, if only there were peace and solitude, perhaps then I could be able to hear myself think.

People continued with their life as I continued on with my desired life, a cold and miserable state you might call it but that's how I like it. It is not that I dislike warmth or friendliness but... it is complicated

I tend to frown all day because I see no reason to smile except... I'd be better when I see Her. She tried her best to make me laugh again but I was isolating myself because I wanted to be alone.

No matter how much I'd gave up in life she stood by me, advising me to go on in life as I quoted this from her "Life tends to be cruel but it is up to you whether you want to get up or not"

I never wanted to get up because it was like a comfort zone, I dared not tread out into unknown territory. Why would I give up my familiar life for something new?
Hence, that advice was rejected...


But one day, she was in trouble and I'd knew about it. At that point, my life flipped 180 degrees because to cure depression the doctor cannot be depressed himself.

2 wrongs do not make a right
Same as 2 sad people would not end up happy.

It is now or never, I could not sit down and watch her suffer in my comfort zone. She missed out on college as life was a nightmare for her and for me. I missed her during those two days.

So, I turned the frown 180 degrees to see a smile. It was tough but I'd think I can pull it off with Her help. But she needed my help too. So we'd are going to help each other to stand up.

No man or woman is an Island.

Here's a something I did.


Well, I am ending it here.
But I am grateful to have met her in my life.

Signing off.

Why Vampires Suck

Before I start gossiping about vampires for the lifeless being they are(undead), let me start by apologizing to Nuffnang for not being able to reply for the Tekken Movie Screening. My Internet was down and my laptop was sent for repairs so I couldn't check my mail until today and it was too late.
I would like to apologize for my failure to reply immediately.




again I am terribly sorry for my mistake.

Back to the main agenda.
Vampires are lifeless. Well, literally they are lifeless as they are the undead right?

Besides I am not a vampire fan, take that Team Edward. I am a 100% team Jacob guy. Edward Cullen, urghh... mentioning his name sends chill down my spine. He looked pale and terribly fair, while Jacob is tanned and looked more manlier. I am not advocating people to adore Jacob alright? I am straight, I like girls, it's just that my special someone adores Twillight so when I was asked whom I would rather support Jacob or Edward, well, I chose Jacob, the lesser evil of the two.

Go Team Jacob


Lets compare here, Jacob and Edward. Obviously Jacob wins with a huge land slide victory. Edward looks like a goody boring guy while Jacob totally looked better than Edward. Oh, I am not saying fair guys are bad but Edward if rated on a scale of 1-10 perhaps scored -5 on the scale as he is too fair for a guy.

Vampire suck too because in most movies it is so cliché as vampires fear sun light, or grow weaker at night or feast on blood and the fact that they roam the night. Lifeless people roaming the night sucking blood from people. And previous movies about vampires like 30 Days of Night was fairly alright since vampires are shown to be dumb in movies. Another movie is Van Helsing, where it took a Werewolf to kill the vampire. See, Werewolves totally rock.

Vampires also suck because they are given perks like the ability to fly, hypnotize and super strength or agility or metamorphism ability which is so totally wrong compared to most hero/heroine in the movie who normally have no super abilities but mere will power. Take that all vampire fans, Human so totally owned Vampire's rear.

Many vampire movies in cantonese were made and seriously they are made for laughter purposes. I haven't come across a touching chinese vampire movie so far and don't intend to.

Well, majority of my peers support Team Jacob and that means we all totally agree on one thing for sure, Vampires Suck.

And I definitely would like to attend the movie to get more ideas on how I should continue ranting and hating vampires.

Signing off.
Peace and again, I am sorry.