Dilemma

Today, I wasn't feeling any better from usual. I was still depressed. In my mind, I was haunted by my past, troubled by my current problems and worrying about my future.

The only thing that I could seek comfort from was from my novel as it won't hurt me nor lie to me. However, it's not the same as a trustworthy person.

Alexandra  was there to comfort me, well sort of. She offered me help and I refused initially. I mean, I am so not worth her time and effort. However, she insisted and I finally relented.

I went to college like usual (I thought I could) but I felt numb seeing my friends. I thought I could disclose my problems to them but I am in doubt now.

I realized people who listened to my problems often get hurt or break up from gangs and I can't bear to see my gang break up. I faked a smile and pretended to be cheerful.

After lunch, I went to MBS and she should have seen the look on her face. Alexandra was like OMGosh.

We chat together and somehow I felt that she might have this impression on me.

She said she loved it when I smiled but to fake a smile in front of her was something that I couldn't do. I can't cheat her by simply smiling. When one smiles, it comes from within.

Like this.

A smile should come from within.

After she left the LRT, I was contemplating with myself. Which personality should I choose and stick with it.

I felt both sides of me contemplating to see which one of them would be dominant.

I felt the Emo side of me battling with the cheerful side of me.

My mind was in turmoil, my sanity was on the line. I couldn't decide.
In the end, it was chosen and I couldn't do anything else but to live with it.

I just couldn't bear to let my cheerful but annoying self going round anymore. He only brought trouble to everyone around him and I've decided to lock him deep within me.

And decided to free the Emo me.

Now, he is free to roam in my life.

At least, the Emo me won't annoy people but behaves himself. The Emo me studies and won't be distracted easily. He is the perfect candidate to face the examination because with Emo comes along Insomnia.

It would be perfect for me.

I know I told you that I would change for the better, well at least try. But I did warn you, that I might (most probably) fail.

I am sorry, Alex.

Life is just so painful. I tried hard to hold everything in me and not lose my temper or dissatisfaction. But no matter how hard I try; I still failed.

It felt like a stab to my heart.

It's just too much to bear.
Sometimes, if you look hard enough, you can see a tear streaming down my face. Normally I would notice but these days, I won't notice until I snap out of my daze.

Life is tormenting.  To those whom I trusted wrongly, Congratulations.

But it doesn't matter. Why? Because...

No one would bother about some nobody like me.

I am nobody with one purpose, to bring joy to others and only others at the cost of my own.

Au revoir~~