My Past

I've been through lots of pain. Cried to myself in my room with the lights out. Cried myself to sleep.

I've been cheated, hurt by others, and many more.
Until today, all of them are bearable.

I have a dream but for my family's sake, I decided to give it up. I have an awesome believe but I can't express it to them; instead I hide it in my heart. I crushed my own passion for my parents interests.

I did almost everything they wanted in my 18 years of existence as a human being. Even during my birthdays, I rejected gifts. I hated my birthdays because of painful memories as I argued with my parents on my birthday.

My request was to go for a sleep over but denied in my face. I didn't ask for a Lamborghini or an i Phone or a DSLR. Nevertheless, it did taught me a valuable lesson, I have to obey their demands; why? It's for my own good.

Today, I went for breakfast with them, when we were eating, I felt like I was having breakfast with total strangers. I was feeling cold inside.

Do you know, every time my parents argued, my heart felt like it's crushed. When I was younger, I used to cry in my room every time they fought. I kept blaming myself even though I kinda knew it wasn't my fault until one day, mom fought with dad and when she saw me, she said it was my fault.

Instantly I was thrown into a whole new level of depression.
There are days when I had a rough day, and I return home to have them both arguing. I would walk myself to my room and reminisce about my past when it was better.

If you asked me to reminisce about a sweet memory between my family and I, I seriously can't remember anything.

When I was 4, I knew dad was home by hearing him only. I seldom get to see dad, or all I could see was his car leaving the house. When I went to school, I would hear about my friends' fun time with their parents.

All I had was my Indonesian maid who took care of me. She loved me like a son. Mom often said she was buying my heart and that she was faking her love to protect her job.

I was perplexed. She protected me, used her own money to treat me, and did everything she could for me. Things weren't that bad when she was around, I had someone I could talk to, interact with. Since mom's usually busy marking books or writing her reports.

My sister treated me like a nobody. She never liked me back then, and was sort of ashamed of my existence. When I was younger, I was proud of my sister. She was a prefect and the only one who was offered the position of head prefect, but she rejected it.

I dreamed that one day I would be just like her. However, I was flabbergasted as a child when she denied my existence in front of her friends.

I greeted her and proudly introduced her as my sister to my friends but she did one thing, which broke my heart. She promptly told her friends, I don't know this boy.

I remember getting scolded by mom frequently because of her. Mom asked both of us to do chores but she was lazy, and I cried for her help because the laundry was heavy but she will not help me (after our maid left).

After that, I vowed never to ask for her help ever again.

My family ties with other relatives got separated (paternal side) and it hurts to know about it. Sometimes, when visiting relatives, they would ask why didn't we join my uncle's family? Dad would said he didn't know about them coming down to visit and I would be sad.

I missed both my paternal aunts; now ignoring my family.

My maternal side, I really loved my younger uncles. The rest, it's not that I want to hate them. I do love them. However, they frequently looked down upon my family's financial status and often bragged as they offered to buy me stuff. I would politely smile and decline.

My maternal aunt, now got into a fight with my maternal grandparents and now, they are avoiding each other. During moon cake festival, they stayed at home although all the families returned for the gathering.

I missed those days when all the families gathered for Chinese New Year or Moon Cake Festival. However, now, it looked like a distant past; growing hazier and blur in my mind as I am starting to forget about those good old days.

My paternal grandparents. Never met my grandmom but I am sure I would love to see her if I could, even if it was for one day. My granddad was the most awesome person I've ever met.
The floats he made each time I visited him was awesome and I could never forget it.

But I was immature, I didn't treasure him. I didn't speak to him much. I only wanted his floats and money (he was a very generous and loved me with all his heart).

There are times, I wished God would take me away and let me meet up with my grandparents.
Perhaps after death, would I be able to find peace in my heart.


Nothing could change my past. But given the chance, I want to live those moments once more. To know what it feels to be alive and loved.

Au revoir.