Gone

I always took life for granted. I never saw the big picture even when I thought I saw it. Perhaps I am the one being naive here; ironically, as I used to called upon others being naive. The world does not revolve around you. It's normal that one day, something should come to an end. I did had an awesome time with my peers but when it comes down to reality, there's always a fine line there. Somehow, I thought I could wipe it off, or perhaps bend the rules to suit me. Perhaps in my drastic attempts, I might have been able to buy off some votes; but the veto power lies with someone else. I do not blame him, because it's true I am somewhat a bother in  a sense. My mind tells me the right thing to do is to dissapear; but my heart can't let go of everyone here. We are but meere mortals; where fate controls our life and sometimes we might not get what we want. Either way, I will dissapear no matter what; because the world does not need me; or rather they do not need my presence there. I am just slightly dissapointed that my strong believe regarding this matter was wrong all the time; and that they were too polite to voice it out against me. I feigned a smile, but deep down my heart twisted in agony. I can't inquire regarding this matter because I believe that I have been enough trouble for everyone. Perhaps I might actually survive this ordeal but I do not want them to have a conflict over me. I have about half of the people here who might root for me; and perhaps not. But I rather things remain peaceful. If it was me from the past, I would have fought on, and made inquiries all over till I got the answer I am looking for; at any cost; my reputation, my pride and my rationality. I think it's funny how the hands of time twists our lifes. I am no longer the Steven I used to be; neither am I an ideal Steven in my parents' eyes, friends' eyes and in my own eyes. But someone reassured me, there is no point in pleasing the world when all it does is incurring a wrath upon yourself at the epilogue. Mixed feelings is something rather difficult for me to handle and no one likes listening to me rant; right?
Perhaps if I am lucky, someone might actually read this and give me an insight. If not, let this me a ranting place for me.

Au Revoir

Digi Pitbull - I Like

Honestly to say, I am not a photographer. But I do love snapping away as much photos as I could. Well, to be honest, I don't think I should be given the oportunity to be the photographer since I don't own a DSLR. But it would be an honour if I am allowed to participate by being part of the fans who get to sing along with Pitbull. I really love his songs and it's like a dream come true when I saw the competition. I know my entry is a bit late; but what the heck, it's better just on time, than to never have participate and regret right? At least, I know I tried my best.


After contemplating for some time, I finally decided on which photograph I will use. =D

A friend of mine drew my classmates.

 She poured her heart out to draw all of us. Well, this is what we look like in real life. =D

Yes, that's all of us including our 2 lecturers.

Honestly, I would love to be Digi's photographer, but I will be satisfies if I could get the tickets for the concert. Oh, all of you can win tickets from this link right here.



Remember this, to my fellow bloggers, readers and people of Malaysia.

Digi, Simply the Best Choice. =D

I would really appreciate it, if Digi would just allow me to be part of the sensational event. I just want to sing along to Pitbull with my fellow fans. 

I sincerely thank you and I can't wait for it. 

Au Revoir.

Shifting

Good morning, well it's been 4 years and I am still blogging. Hope to continue til I die perhaps? Well, I desire a change in mood and enviroment. So, this blog will be use solely for sad stuff (if i ever encounter any) or to participate in events. Meanwhile, majority of my posts will be done in my new blog. Thanks for visiting all these while.

Here is the new link

http://memoiresdesteven.blogspot.com/

Au revoir.

Desolation

I gaze for the stars and shoot for the moon. But I failed to realized that it was beyond my grasp. Perhaps it's time where life stops giving and starts taking from me. The climate may be warm but my heart feels cold. It's been too darn long since I felt the warmth of friendship, radiance from a smile or the bickering of friends on making decisions.

Once, Twice and.... Well, I've actually lost count. I've seen so many Good Byes that I actually do feel numb; tired of life. From time to time, I would prefer to be isolated from the rest of the world; in a cold and dark room. All this time, as I grew up, I realized I never knew my family as well as I thought. I felt alone in this world. Everytime they try to talk to me, my heart would harden and I felt no warmth nor no love. Life seems to be a business proposition at home and I can do nothing but please them.

I am tired of this kind of life, pretending to be someone I am not. Even recently, I realized that I made mistakes and realized that I was never being serious; when I look back; all I felt was anger and regret. I am starting to doubt myself these days. If all this is a test, well I am failing pathetically.

Everyone around me jokes that I think too much; hence white hairs. Well, it's partially true, I do think a lot. To be precise, I reminiscized about the past, pondered about the present and contemplated for the future. People say, learn from the past, think about the present and prepare for the future. Yet nothing seems to be working for me.

To me life is bitter. Guess what? Coffee is bitter as well. But at the very least, you could always add creamer or sugar to sweeten the coffee. What bout my life? Well, I see no silver lining admist the dark clouds. I've lost confidence in the silver lining and decided that I should take things into my account. I no longer have faith for most people around me. No offence, but I really loss hope in relying on others.

I do appreciate everything that's been for me but there are things that I've got to do by myself. I should have never left the cold path that I took. I never expected life to be this cruel.

Au Revoir.

Misery loves company. Well, I do miss Misery as well. At least, things couldn't get worse anymore.

Emptiness

When I look back now, I realized that my life was a lie. I could cheat the world but I could never cheat myself no matter how hard I try. I was a selfish and conceited person back in primary school and I'd soon realized that by being so I will never make friends. However, instead of controlling it, I resorted to denial and changed tremendously. I decided never to make any decision and leave it all to others as I try to be as flexible as possible. Yes, probably I did gain more friends, but it also meant that I became someone else. I was anti social and isolated myself from the world.

Fortunately, I met several people who took turns to change my life. However, by the time they read this post, they would have realized that I was no where different from the beginning. Now, my minds all messed up and my emotions are all out of control. Back then, I was a pessimist, filled with negativity about myself; but now Rage is all I felt for the world and people around me. I can't seem to be able to control my temper or anger anymore; nowadays, I would lose my temper at my loved ones without realizing it and when I walked away, my heart aches and I really felt helpless. People might think that I am writting this to gain attention or sort, but I beg to differ; I am writting this as a reminder to myself that I do have this issue.

It's due to this anger; that I've decided to isolate myself even further compared to my pessimistic days.

If only I could wipe those feelings like a tear.
Well, if only...

But there's no If's....

I really miss talking to her but I should move on and close this chapter of my life.

Living life with no regrets is not as simple as it sounds. Ignorance might not be blissful forever; just temporarily.

Walking out.

Black is Back with Arthur’s Day 2011

Date: 23 September 2011 (Friday)

 

It's a Friday, we get special promotion at TGIF?

 

Time: 6 pm onwards

 

Clubs usually starts after 10 for happy hours; 6pm is too early. 

Venue: Speed City KL, Selangor Turf Club

 

 Some place I guess.

 

But, if you combine them together, and add in the event.

Arthur’s Day 2011

Date: 23 September 2011 (Friday)
Time: 6 pm onwards
Venue: Speed City KL, Selangor Turf Club

 

It will be one heck of a party/event. To be honest, I am superfragilisticexpialidocious-ly excited because it will be my FIRST Arthur's Day event since, I just hit 18 this year. Well, I am not a drunkard nor am I an alcoholic but I love Beer and have been drinking it from a tender age which I shall not mention perhaps if you leave your email then I might tell you.

 

Well, I suppose people might think, "This half-hearted-punk-who-barely-turned-legal wants to drink with us, adults?"

 

Well, why not? I am legal in age and .... OMG Taio Cruz is going to be there. Isn't that enough to get everyone crazy? I love His songs and would participate in the event even if I was still underage. 

 

P.s I am 18, legitly. 921005-XX-XXXX

 

 Besides,  it would be an eye opener event for me since I rarely get an opportunity to listen to Malaysian's artists. Well, I wasn't interested in Malaysian artists before this; not untill I've heard BUNKFACE's Through My Window. So with many local artists performing, I am sure I will love more Malaysian artists. 

I would like to apologize for Ripping this. =D

 They all look so mouth-watering. I want to eat them listen to them perform. Besides, no sane person in this world would say no to a party right? 

World's response,"JYEEAAAAHHH!!!"

Besides, there be lots of people there. Nuffies, fellow bloggers, hotties and every single people out there who wants to celebrate Arthur's Day as much as I want to. I would love to meet everyone there and make new friends, who knows I might get lucky   free beer? 

Besides, Prema Yin looks pretty, I want to have a closer view. 


But most importantly, there are two important things in my life, and to have them both togethere is like a dream come true. Blogging and Beer. Well, blogging is an awesome past time, and till this day, although I got into lots of arguments with my parents, I will never regret the day I picked up blogging as a passion. 


Secondly, beer. Well, ask any blogger if they like beer or not, if they say they don't, well; give me their Authur's Day passes. LOL. Beer is a must have during non-Muslim events (not being racists); we have beers in weddings, open houses, house warmings and most importantly Aurthur's Day. 


Well, I am writting this full with hopes to attend this event, because it's been a year since I participated in any blogger's events and I would sincerely appreciate it, if I was given the chance to attend. My last awesome event was last year's Digi Buka Puasa with Nuffnang. How nostalgic as I reminiscized into the past.


But, this time, if given the chance, I would love to reminiscize with beer and party. So, I have this to say before I end my post; 

Bring out the booze and let's party.

Have a nice day and please, with beer, party and Taio Cruz; can I have those passes? 

Signing off 

Your's truly. 

 Steven Boo Chuwen (Certified 18 yo) 

Back from Hiatus

It's been a while since I last updated. And by a while, I mean it literally, probably it's an understatement...

Okay, It certainly is an understatement. From a post a day, it declined to somewhat nil. I guessed I've lost the hang of it. And by coming out of my hiatus, it might give whatever readers I have left an idea that I might have gotten the hang of it again.

Maybe, just maybe. Before I talk about myself again, let me enlighten my gossip hunger readers about my experiences for the past few months.

At college, a new operator arrived and, eventually, I've gotten myself another kai yeh. Well, don't think negative okay? I am a polite chap with humility and these are the essential virtues needed if you're aiming to get a kai yeh or a kai ma.

P.s I do not go round looking for kai yeh or kai ma to rip off. 

One day, we had a friendly conversation and through that conversation; seriously no offense but I do believe that the younger generations are a bit impolite, low in humility and most definitely demanding.

Yes, not all, but quite a number are freaking, wait for it..... Yes.... freaking DEMANDING.

The food served by the operator is quite cheap considering the rental charged by the blood money-sucking college. And yet, students were being demanding.

Yes, go on arguing I deserve every penny spent on the purchased food. Yes, that's your right as a consumer. But things went overboard (from my point of view) when the operator told me he was scolded by a student for giving that low life the undesirable part of the bread in Gardenia loaves, the skin.

That student demanded for another set of toast bread and refused to eat the perfectly fine one, just because it is the one with skin. Well, I have just this to say to that student, that undesirable part you wasted, can feed a family in Africa. People are starving because of famine but you just wasted food just because you think it's not nice.

What about me?

Well, I used to be picky too. I grumbled and fussed when mom gave me the skin piece. Thank God she sent me to loads of camp, where I was mindset to eat anything served without complain or else starve and they literally let you starve, okay...okay... I do grumble a bit sometimes, heck I am not perfect.

Admit it, you all do the same too right, once a while~~ You know, when mom  cooked something you totally dislike, in my case, it's most definitely mushroom and chicken feet. Can't stand the mushroom smell and most definitely can't swallow the chicken feet.

Yet, once a while, I humor mom by literally swallowing the whole chicken leg, choking myself to near death and finally relieving myself with gallons of water.

Well, I guess that's all for this agenda and before I close it, here's a phrase which might close this agenda nicely.

Beggars can't be choosy

Unless your dad's super rich and pampers you like crazy, just eat and be thankful. 

You just don't know how lucky you are to have 3 square meals a day. 

 

 

Now, let's continue, I have loads more to rant about. 

Of Bus and Passengers

 

Pardon me for not using illustrations but I do believe pictures are worth a thousand words, how about a thousand words then? Wouldn't it bring more meaning? Well, perhaps we might be able to debate on that on another Blogger's Gathering as soon as I finish my exams and if I am still considered a blogger by Nuffnangers.

I comute to college by bus to and fro. I am a tolerant person but sometimes you just can't tolerate every single crap thrown at you, can you? I know I can't. If I could, I would be Him.

Bus drivers who dreamt of street racing but never had the chance. I assure you, if roller coasters just can't do it, try the bus. You will be jerking forward and backward and to the driver, it's none of his business because he is sitting comfortably on his chair.
 P.s Insurance agents can make a living here in the bus.

Bus that offers shower facility, literally. There are times when the rain is pouring and I got on the bus, thinking that the bus would be clear of the moisture. Oh what a shock I had when the bus was worse than the rain itself. Okay, I might be exaggerating, but still shouldn't bus operators get it fixed? Why are we paying them so much for such louzy treatment? In Singapore, 50 cents last the whole day. Well, we used to have
RM 2 for a day until they abolished it and they dare increase ticket prices with such louzy services? What a joke.

Bus feeling like a sardin can, perhaps an understatement. I often fall asleep standing in the bus. Yes, I sleep while standing and why is that so? Previous Milo advertisement portrays guys in sumo outfits trying to stuff themselves into a car. Well, that's what I felt on the bus. It was so packed that I could sleep while standing and the best part is, I don't have to hold onto anything, people were like a clump of jelly, swaying front and back but never falling down. I am sure if they could stack passengers like domino bricks, they would most definitely consider doing it.

Horrible bus schedules. It is annoying and disturbing when frequent bus users like me, realized that a few bus heading towards one destination left the terminal together. This causes long waits upto an hour for the next batch of bus. I mean, what's the point of having 4 busses going to the same place and all  the bus are kinda empty. This causes the can Sardin situation. I wonder what were the management thinking?

Now let me jump to passengers.
Top of my list is

Gold miners. The worst of them all, I daresay. Seriously, I find it repulsive to be next to one. Once,a miner mines tirelessly for that "gold" and flicks it off just like that. I was flabbergasted and to top it off, the miner didn't even clean his hands. I freaked out and walked to the far end of the bus and got off as soon as I could. Perhaps personal hygiene never struck him or the others?

Elbowing Grandmas. This grannies, not all, are greedy. I offered an inch, but they wanted a yard so I gave them a foot (kick). My lecturer taught me this idiom, cool right?

I offered an inch, You asked for a yard and now I give you a foot.

What am I trying to say? Well, I pitied them so I often gave them some space. But some just took advantage of my nice-ness and decided to burrow their way in, YES by elbowing me out. I got  kicked out of my spot by several grannies and finally it was time for the foot. I held my stand firmly and when they pushed, don't blame me for being mean okay; I raised my arms holding onto the handles and let them smell my armpits Take that grannies, I am fighting back. Lol.

Perverts, gay pervert. I was sitting in a bus one day and in front of me was this hot girl. She was sleeping and well, she caught my eyes. Well, I am guy, natural okay. But the guy next to her is a pervert. He stared at her bossoms; tilted his head nearer to her to get a better view and to make matters worse he is wearing pink, and is in his late forties with a beer gut. He even spread his legs wide open and started touching his crotch. Even when the girl noticed that pervert and glared back at him, he still carried on. If only I had a gun....

And that's the end of my louzy yet only way of transportation home til I can drive.

I guess that's all for now. Signing off

Au revoir; till we meet again.

Live life with no regrets

Sanity

Sanity.

Something we take for granted and only treasured when gone.

I can feel my sanity slipping away like this hourglass.

Losing composure and inner peace, as my sanity slips away.
Recently, the pain is back and more severe. My head felt like it's going to blow. My heart is in pain, like a Myocardial Infarction

Every morning, I wake up feeling like I didn't even sleep and it's causing me to lose my temper.
I don't know how long I can continue keeping my cool before blowing it all out.

I am totally disturbed now, can't concentrated at all. Ending it here.

Signing off, while I still can.

Nightingale

A nightingale is a beautiful creature, yet it can also be used to describe us, humans. However, it does not describe our outer appearance.

I mean do you want to look like this?

 

I know it's lovely but we certainly don't look like that, now do we?

We all want to look somewhat like

Looking like a human right?

 A nightingale person, like me can be considered different from the rest of the world. Nightingales becomes active at night as in we work during the night.

But not everyone can be one because it is indeed straining on ones mind and body. Although we stay up all night, we can't sleep during the day like it's night can we?

Of course not. There's college, work or etc.

Hence, I would like to introduce you to the word, Sleep Debt.

Sleep Debt might be a foreign term to you but to my friends and I it is quite common actually.

We would strive through the week like a zombie but repay our sleep debt during the weekends. Any spare time that is available, during journeys, intervals between classes or meal times would be used for a quick snooze.

Of course, we can't do it alone. We also require our best friend's help, Coffee. By now, concentrated Black Coffee is nothing and I can fall asleep after drinking it. At first, simple coffee would suffice but the dosage increases as we take it frequently.

 I mean life's too short to waste on sleep. I know it sounds wrong, and sometimes I wish I would break this life style and get some sleep. Especially when I showered at 6 am and walked back to my cozy bed room and feel like collapsing on my bed. 

However, it's not possible. Why?

Life is just too short for sleep.

Signing off~~

Sleep well non-nightingales and to nightingales, let the part begin =D

  

Weirdo

I am a guy.
Guys were stereotyped by Tikkoss to be ham sap.

Definition of ham sap.

To be sexually aroused by the sigh of the opposite sex which results in flirting and  cheesy pick up lines.

 Or we can simplify it.

Ham Sap = Tikkoss

P.s Not all guys are Ham Sap, I am not though. I am pure.

Definition of Pure.

To be free of impurities, of any foreign materials which is not considered normal in a system.

Or we can simplify it.

Pure ≠ Tikkoss

Pure = Me

P.s All guys were born pure though most were corrupted by Tikkoss.

Quoted from Tikkoss.

" I represent mankind...."

 Alright I've joked enough about Tikkoss.
No hard feelings right? It's free publicity.

Now, Vince and Xing.

This two seriously got on my nerves on Monday. Both had tickets for the Social Network and were having dinner in Mid Valley when they thought of hitting on my nerves.

Vince

Hey, Steve, come to Mid Valley and join us for dinner? Xing wants you here. She will drive you home. =D

Xing

Yeah, I will drive you home, where do you stay?

Vince

After we have our dinner? We go for movie; no ticket for you. You go play pool. =D

And for your information, they called me at 1930 and it would take me half an hour to get there. After that, dinner for half an hour. After dinner, they will go for movie.

They expected me to travel there for half an hour to accompany them for half an hour? =.=

Anyway, I laughed it off.

Back to the main topic.

I Cook.

Most guys and girls would probably stare with their jaws hanging. What?

Steven cooks? Wait he can cook?  @.@

I like to cook, can cook and loves to cook.
But I am worried, people might think I am weird for having such a strange passion.

My sister, a girl, ironically hates cooking.

I've been cooking since I was standard 4. It was a cook or starve situation. So, cooking was necessary for survival (melodramatic =D)

My passion for cooking grew when I saw dad cooked and I aimed to be a better cook than him. Over time, I did and my whole family wanted me to cook for them.

But I am a choosy cook, I like to cook things I have interest only.

Spaghetti, pancakes, and dishes for dinner.

I also love to bake.

I am weird, aren't I (as a guy who likes to cook?)

P.s About Tikkoss, those were the past, according to him. =D
Signing off.

You are my new dream ♥♥♥

My Past

I've been through lots of pain. Cried to myself in my room with the lights out. Cried myself to sleep.

I've been cheated, hurt by others, and many more.
Until today, all of them are bearable.

I have a dream but for my family's sake, I decided to give it up. I have an awesome believe but I can't express it to them; instead I hide it in my heart. I crushed my own passion for my parents interests.

I did almost everything they wanted in my 18 years of existence as a human being. Even during my birthdays, I rejected gifts. I hated my birthdays because of painful memories as I argued with my parents on my birthday.

My request was to go for a sleep over but denied in my face. I didn't ask for a Lamborghini or an i Phone or a DSLR. Nevertheless, it did taught me a valuable lesson, I have to obey their demands; why? It's for my own good.

Today, I went for breakfast with them, when we were eating, I felt like I was having breakfast with total strangers. I was feeling cold inside.

Do you know, every time my parents argued, my heart felt like it's crushed. When I was younger, I used to cry in my room every time they fought. I kept blaming myself even though I kinda knew it wasn't my fault until one day, mom fought with dad and when she saw me, she said it was my fault.

Instantly I was thrown into a whole new level of depression.
There are days when I had a rough day, and I return home to have them both arguing. I would walk myself to my room and reminisce about my past when it was better.

If you asked me to reminisce about a sweet memory between my family and I, I seriously can't remember anything.

When I was 4, I knew dad was home by hearing him only. I seldom get to see dad, or all I could see was his car leaving the house. When I went to school, I would hear about my friends' fun time with their parents.

All I had was my Indonesian maid who took care of me. She loved me like a son. Mom often said she was buying my heart and that she was faking her love to protect her job.

I was perplexed. She protected me, used her own money to treat me, and did everything she could for me. Things weren't that bad when she was around, I had someone I could talk to, interact with. Since mom's usually busy marking books or writing her reports.

My sister treated me like a nobody. She never liked me back then, and was sort of ashamed of my existence. When I was younger, I was proud of my sister. She was a prefect and the only one who was offered the position of head prefect, but she rejected it.

I dreamed that one day I would be just like her. However, I was flabbergasted as a child when she denied my existence in front of her friends.

I greeted her and proudly introduced her as my sister to my friends but she did one thing, which broke my heart. She promptly told her friends, I don't know this boy.

I remember getting scolded by mom frequently because of her. Mom asked both of us to do chores but she was lazy, and I cried for her help because the laundry was heavy but she will not help me (after our maid left).

After that, I vowed never to ask for her help ever again.

My family ties with other relatives got separated (paternal side) and it hurts to know about it. Sometimes, when visiting relatives, they would ask why didn't we join my uncle's family? Dad would said he didn't know about them coming down to visit and I would be sad.

I missed both my paternal aunts; now ignoring my family.

My maternal side, I really loved my younger uncles. The rest, it's not that I want to hate them. I do love them. However, they frequently looked down upon my family's financial status and often bragged as they offered to buy me stuff. I would politely smile and decline.

My maternal aunt, now got into a fight with my maternal grandparents and now, they are avoiding each other. During moon cake festival, they stayed at home although all the families returned for the gathering.

I missed those days when all the families gathered for Chinese New Year or Moon Cake Festival. However, now, it looked like a distant past; growing hazier and blur in my mind as I am starting to forget about those good old days.

My paternal grandparents. Never met my grandmom but I am sure I would love to see her if I could, even if it was for one day. My granddad was the most awesome person I've ever met.
The floats he made each time I visited him was awesome and I could never forget it.

But I was immature, I didn't treasure him. I didn't speak to him much. I only wanted his floats and money (he was a very generous and loved me with all his heart).

There are times, I wished God would take me away and let me meet up with my grandparents.
Perhaps after death, would I be able to find peace in my heart.


Nothing could change my past. But given the chance, I want to live those moments once more. To know what it feels to be alive and loved.

Au revoir.

Dilemma

Today, I wasn't feeling any better from usual. I was still depressed. In my mind, I was haunted by my past, troubled by my current problems and worrying about my future.

The only thing that I could seek comfort from was from my novel as it won't hurt me nor lie to me. However, it's not the same as a trustworthy person.

Alexandra  was there to comfort me, well sort of. She offered me help and I refused initially. I mean, I am so not worth her time and effort. However, she insisted and I finally relented.

I went to college like usual (I thought I could) but I felt numb seeing my friends. I thought I could disclose my problems to them but I am in doubt now.

I realized people who listened to my problems often get hurt or break up from gangs and I can't bear to see my gang break up. I faked a smile and pretended to be cheerful.

After lunch, I went to MBS and she should have seen the look on her face. Alexandra was like OMGosh.

We chat together and somehow I felt that she might have this impression on me.

She said she loved it when I smiled but to fake a smile in front of her was something that I couldn't do. I can't cheat her by simply smiling. When one smiles, it comes from within.

Like this.

A smile should come from within.

After she left the LRT, I was contemplating with myself. Which personality should I choose and stick with it.

I felt both sides of me contemplating to see which one of them would be dominant.

I felt the Emo side of me battling with the cheerful side of me.

My mind was in turmoil, my sanity was on the line. I couldn't decide.
In the end, it was chosen and I couldn't do anything else but to live with it.

I just couldn't bear to let my cheerful but annoying self going round anymore. He only brought trouble to everyone around him and I've decided to lock him deep within me.

And decided to free the Emo me.

Now, he is free to roam in my life.

At least, the Emo me won't annoy people but behaves himself. The Emo me studies and won't be distracted easily. He is the perfect candidate to face the examination because with Emo comes along Insomnia.

It would be perfect for me.

I know I told you that I would change for the better, well at least try. But I did warn you, that I might (most probably) fail.

I am sorry, Alex.

Life is just so painful. I tried hard to hold everything in me and not lose my temper or dissatisfaction. But no matter how hard I try; I still failed.

It felt like a stab to my heart.

It's just too much to bear.
Sometimes, if you look hard enough, you can see a tear streaming down my face. Normally I would notice but these days, I won't notice until I snap out of my daze.

Life is tormenting.  To those whom I trusted wrongly, Congratulations.

But it doesn't matter. Why? Because...

No one would bother about some nobody like me.

I am nobody with one purpose, to bring joy to others and only others at the cost of my own.

Au revoir~~

The Absence of Joy

The sorrow of a thousand men
I'd bear them all with ease.

But the thought of losing you.
Shatters my heart with ease.

I've been through so much but nothing can be compared to this pain that I am experiencing now.

Why do my tears shed for you?

Teddies don't hug back the way you do. But at least they do not hurt me like you did.

 But I never blamed you, because it's all my fault. I chose this path and there's no turning back.

I hope to end everything with my disappearance from our life. It's the second time but the first scar hasn't healed properly and then came the second.

I haven't been able to sleep for days. The pain is killing me. Every minute of my life is about you.

Insomnia has returned and I don't know how long will I be able to withstand it.

My heart ached from the thought of losing you.

But that will never happen, right?
I am nothing compared to you.

I don't see any point in living anymore without you in my life.
The pain is unbearable.

I often said that you helped me and now it's my turn to help you. However, now I realized I need you more than ever in my life.

I remembered every single thing you said as best as I could.
They are all carved onto my heart.

But let me stress again, it's not HER fault.

I chose this path.

I need you in my life.

I don't like you.

I love you.

I don't want you

I need you.

I won't cry for you.

I'd die for you.

Signing off

Desolation

I thought this would be it.
I thought this was the answer.
I thought that I could soar.

But.

I was wrong.
I was never there.
I realized that I was never meant to fly.


Analogy
I am but a mere human trying to fly, but in the end, I plunged to my death just like Icarus who flew too close to the Sun.

Mere mortals were never meant to fly.

Tell me, why is life so painful?
Maybe I should put life aside and wander watch it drift pass quickly?

I went out today.
I am sure everyone thought I was fine. Perhaps for a brief moment there, I too was convinced that I could be fine.





Perhaps only by death, will I find peace.

I am seriously exhausted.
I can't bear to continue this journey anymore.



I am sorry.
I just couldn't help it.

Goodbyes are painful but I haven't got any other options left.
I am bounded to isolation in a dark chamber.

I can never leave this place without bringing pain to people around me.

I am what I am and that's being Emo.

Live with it or be drowned in It.

P.s My heart belonged to you, if you don't mind it being shattered to bits.

Perhaps The Last.

I have been on hiatus for ages already. It's been forever since I last blogged or hanged out at Innit. I feel happy being able to blog but this joy will only last for today only and perhaps next year, if I have not given up blogging will I be able to experience the same joy again.

After today, I will feel sad because I won't be able to do my favorite thing anymore which is to blog and chat with Innit buddies. However, I have learned something very valuable from the past few days, which is to rejoice in the suffering that I have to face and trust that one person who will love me and take care of me and that person is none other then God, himself.

I realized that Dota had hooked me away from God when I was an addict and after confessing my sins, God gave me strength to break free from my addiction. Now, it's been months since I last touched Dota and I seriously rejoiced in the Lord for saving me.

Now, there's one more thing I must give up, or at least reduce it from addiction to hobby to prevent myself from drifting further from the Lord.

However, all these is insignificant stuff. True joy does not come from materialistic possession but from the peace of heart. All I ever wanted was to be able to proudly declare myself as a Christian, nevertheless I haven't got the courage nor the wisdom to disclose my secret to my parents.

Let me briefly share my feelings here, I have envy and jealousy towards others, which is a sin. However, I do not envy them for materialistic possession but for their family who accepted Christ as their savior.

I remembered attending Church alone every Sunday. All I wanted was being able to attend Church with my family members. Besides that, my friend's family were always there with them when during celebrations but I have not been able to do so.

Please forgive me for my jealousy and ranting but it's so painful leading a secret life, forsaking God by denying him while dishonoring my parents by cheating them. Do you know how it feels knowing that you are safe yourself but your parents aren't.

I seek refuge in the Lord but my parents don't. Now, I am terribly worried about their future.

One thing for sure, God is Good and one day their hearts will be soften and they will turn to the Lord to seek refuge.

I will end this with a lovely song.

Talking To The Moon (Bruno Mars)

 

I know you're somewhere out there
Somewhere far away
I want you back
I want you back
My neighbors think
I'm crazy
But they don't understand
You're all I have
You're all I have

Chorus:

At night when the stars
light up my room
I sit by myself

Talking to the Moon
Try to get to You
In hopes you're on
the other side
Talking to me too
Or am I a fool
who sits alone
Talking to the moon

I'm feeling like I'm famous
The talk of the town
They say
I've gone mad
Yeah
I've gone mad
But they don't know
what I know

Cause when the
sun goes down
someone's talking back
Yeah
http://www.elyricsworld.com/talking_to_the_moon_lyrics_bruno_mars.html
They're talking back

Chorus:

At night when the stars
light up my room
I sit by myself
Talking to the Moon
Try to get to You
In hopes you're on
the other side
Talking to me too
Or am I a fool
who sits alone
Talking to the moon

Do you ever hear me calling?
Cause every night
I'm talking to the moon
Still trying to get to you

In hopes you're on
the other side
Talking to me too
Or am I a fool
who sits alone
Talking to the moon

I know you're somewhere out there
Somewhere far away

Today I went back to my former secondary school for lunch since my friends wanted to have lunch with me to celebrate my status change; being legal now.

As I went back, Eric asked me earlier about my personal life and he asked me whether I was with my girl friend (now Ex), and I told him we were through a few months  ago.

He called me a Play Boy, although I think I am not one.
Before I can say anything else he asked me whether I have found a new girl friend or not and I said I haven't which he doubted at first.

When I thought about these it made me sad, as nostalgic memories/feelings came into my mind.
After Eric left, Alexandra and I were chatting in the canteen and I showed her a parody which is G@y but funny; here's the link

After watching that funny, yet a bit vulgar video, she asked me whether I had this song Talking To The Moon which I don't at that point. At first I thought it was going to be like the Billionaire song, pop song but it turned out to be a ballad instead (I think) which suits my emo personality.

It describes what I am going through and how I feel for that person right now. Oh well, it's impossible because I am so fuggly.

Signing off

I Am Legal Now

Some how I feel depressed today. I seriously hate this day even though it's supposed to be a wonderful day.
If you don't get it, go read my profile and thou shall understand.

I see sincerity in some but still there are those who certainly lacked sincerity; to my utter disappointment. Perhaps today is the single day that I can get mad at people and get away with it.If you still don't get it, seriously, read my profile again; with spectacles or a magnifying glass.


I never liked this day of every year because some how, disappointment follows and grows as I grew older. I really appreciated Henry Tan's generosity; asking me to so many events but unfortunately I can't attend them all temporarily due to unfortunate circumstances. When I am clear of those troubles, you bet I will attend them all.

This Aunt  remembered and I totally appreciated her sincerity; so did Vince; by the way, you owe me booze as mentioned earlier through the phone. The most touching yet was an sms by my Singaporean friend/brother, Victor Lee.

Now that I am freaking legal, bring out the booze and babes as I drunk myself in them. I love my friends and all though I dislike this day.

Nostalgic memories of the past; haunts me til today.

Signing off "legally" now.

Flabbergasted

I went to 7-11 to get change since shops weren't open that early. After scrutinizing for a while I've decided to buy Extra MINTS  Professional (Wild Berries Flavor).

Tastes good.

 So I opened the cover and popped 3 into my mouth and sucked on them til they dissolved. When they dissolved, I popped a few more into my mouth about 5-10 minutes after the first 3 dissolved.

This pattern continued as I kept popping them into my mouth with delight. Everything seemed fine till I saw what the fine print on the container said when I was flipping it around.

As mentioned it is the fine prints.

 Written there was;

MADE IN CHINA FOR THE WRIGLEY COMPANY PTY., LTD. AT MICHIGAN AVE., ASQUITH, NSW 2077, AUSTRALIA AND FOR THE WRIGLEY CO. (NZ) LTD., 45 BANKS RD, AUCKLAND 1134, NEW ZEALAND. CONTAINS PHENYLALANINE. EXCESS CONSUMPTION MAY HAVE A LAXATIVE EFFECT.

It would seem perfectly normal. Actually it is perfectly normal and is quite boring for you all to read under normal circumstances, I mean who reads this stuff any way BUT in my case it is different because as you can see, I had already pop about 15-20 of those into my mouth and combined with the last line;

EXCESS CONSUMPTION MAY HAVE A LAXATIVE EFFECT.

I was flabbergasted. Shouldn't the company print this warning a little bigger?
After a while, I really had to go to the toilet. If only I had read it sooner.

Signing off.
P.S Everyone should read these fine prints or you might get a random and unexpected surprise like that.

P.p.S Laxative is something you take if you have constipation.

P.p.p.S I wasn't having constipation so the effect was horrible.

 

Unrest

Unrest. 

An uneasy or troubled condition

I am feeling unrest now. So many things whizzing through my mind. Nevertheless, stress is upon me and gaining momentum as I tire out easily these days. Even after taking long naps (of 4-5 hours) I can still sleep all the way till the next morning and still feel tired the next day.

Besides, my white hair has grown in number. I really need someone to talk to but I am afraid. Normally people whom I confide my secrets to often get hurt by me in the end.

 

Sometimes I do wonder whether I made the right choice or not. However, it is already done and I can't change it no matter how hard I try.

I really missed those days where things were simple.

Signing off, listening to this song; reminds me of the past.

DiGi iPhone 4 Life

This is how far I would go for an iPhone 4.

I always looked from a side at friends who owned an iPhone from Maxis but I strongly believed that Digi would reward Digi Users one day. From the picture, the drought is about to end as rain is coming.

Digi is here to offer us (me) a chance to win an iPhone 4. If I were to win the iPhone 4, I will remain indebted to Digi for giving me a chance to shine.

I was once an Ugly Duckling isolated by others (Maxis iPhone Users)

Now, given the opportunity.

I can emerge as a Swan, thanks to Digi.


I loved all Digi events and Nuffnang events. Given the chance I will attend all of them. Here's one that I woill never forget.

Digi Berbuka Puasa

Lastly, if I were to win, I would show pests who support other Telco that Digi is the Best. Simply, the smarter choice.

Support Digi or you are considered a PEST.



With this video, all other Telco users should switch to Digi. Why?

Always the Smarter Choice

This is it,

 May God bless you all and I really hope to win and show other Telco users that Digi is the smartest choice I've made.

Signing off